My OwN LiTtLe CaNvAs Of ThOugHtS

i never realised how proud i was to be a malaysian till my trip to hong kong

i couldn’t wait to get back

i just terribly missed everything malaysian

the people, the food, the culture,the lifestyle

basically everything malaysian

recently my grandad handed me this book : all things malaysian

at first i was like, huh? no need la

just have a look through and see

reluctantly took the book

but once i started it i was hooked

reading it i just recalled back how i felt when i was in hong kong

how proud i was of the uniqueness of our culture

a product of a fusion of many and different cultures

a culture only a true malaysian can understand

not something you can learn overnight

it just made me recall how my uncle’s friend in hong kong was so proudly trying to show off hong kong

he kept saying i bet you don’t get this back home

each time he said that i just smiled to myself and told him nicely actually we do have that back home

till now i still laugh remembering how he tried showing off tau fu fa..

*shakes head*

my latest addiction….

Story of my life
Searching for the right
But it keeps avoiding me
Sorrow in my soul
Cause it seems that wrong
Really loves my company

Hes more than a man
And this is more than love
The reason that the sky is blue
But clouds are rolling in
Because I’m gone again
And to him I just can’t be true

And I know that he knows I’m unfaithful
And it kills him inside
To know that I am happy with some other guy
I can see him dying

I don’t wanna do this anymore
I don’t wanna be the reason why
Everytime I walk out the door
I see him die a little more inside
I don’t wanna hurt him anymore
I don’t wanna take away his life
I don’t wanna be…
A murdererI feel it in the air
As I’m doing my hair
Preparing for another date
A kiss up on my cheek
He’s here reluctantly
As if I’m gonna be out late
I say I won’t be long
Just hanging with the girls
A lie I didn’t have to tell
Because we both know
Where I’m about to go
And we know it very well

Cause I know that he knows I’m unfaithful
And it kills him inside
To know that I am happy with some other guy
I can see him dying

I don’t wanna do this anymore
I don’t wanna be the reason why
Everytime I walk out the door
I see him die a little more inside
I don’t wanna hurt him anymore
I don’t wanna take away his life
I don’t wanna be…
A murderer

Our Love, his trust
I might as well take a gun and put it to his head
Get it over with
I don’t wanna do this
Anymore (anymore)

Cause I know that he knows I’m unfaithful
And it kills him inside
To know that I am happy with some other guy
I can see him dying

actually you know,  it never was the house i was fighting for

it was the fantasy of having a house that looked like that

mainly i was just afraid of loosing that fantasy

anyways

do i look that much different from a couple of years back?

it’s like just before i left for my first sem ppl started telling me i look different

in uni i met a former classmate of mine and she was like omg you look so different

if i’d seen you on the streets i wouldn’t be able to recognize you

i tot it was maybe coz i’d cut my hair a lot shorter and i started using eyeliner

but like last week i went swimming

i had no eyeliner on

and my hair was back to the same length it was when i was in form 6

and i saw a former classmate of mine

after 2 seconds of wild waving

finally she waved back

omg sabrina

you look so different, i didn’t even recognize you

so i guess that 2 seconds before she recognized me

i must have looked rather silly

heh heh

hmmm…hopefully it’s good different la..

heh heh

for months i’ve been silently praying that my once strong grip in faith would be restored

i kept praying that i would go thru an episode which would have such a strong impact on me that it would lead me back to god

and i guess my prayers were answered

and i thank god for that

now i feel like i’ve stepped onto a higher level emotionally, mentally and spiritually

throughout this past year there were times when i knew i didn’t deal with situations the way i normally would have

guess i was thinking more with my heart than with my head

and i hated the person i turned out to be each time i listened to my heart

i never knew that i could be that person that i always told myself  i would never be

deep down i knew that i was damn stupid to listen to my heart

but i kept doing it and i kept getting hurt

but thanks to hardcore upbringing

i never fell hard..

slipped a couple of times but was always able to pull myself up again

and i thank god i have such amazing friends who never failed to be there every single time

it’s a common phrase rite, it’s only during troubled times you know who your true friends are

i’m grateful for the fact that not a single one of them let me down

but i guess i had to fall to learn

believe me

i have!

guess i had to go thru it the hard way to really learn

it made me step out of the painting and look at the big picture

when i stepped out i saw many roads

roads that i’ve walked before

roads i was heading towards

and roads that i would never go near

when i looked back at the roads i once walked

there was a wave of nostalgia

there was this one road in particular

it was really pretty like those sub-urban residential areas

when i walked down it i just felt so at home

i just connected immediately to the surroundings

you know you have this picture in your head how u want your home to be one day

and i found it

but after a period of time

things weren’t so pretty anymore

once you got really close with the ppl

the beautiful looking scenary was just a cover up for all the hell that was going on there

for a long time i kept fooling myself

i wanted to hang on to that fantasy

i just put aside my principles and believes just so i wouldn’t lose it

but i guess reality had slapped me hard

and i woke up one day and realised it can all only be a fantasy